The Dark Side

Dexter's Laboratory is one of my favorite cartoons on TV. We don't have cable so I turned to the internet to download a couple episodes to watch in my free time. Little did I know that there are two shows with the name Dexter. Of course I downloaded the non-cartoon show by accident. Out of curiosity I watched it. It was kind've freaky and weird but intriguing.

The second Dexter is a show that aired on Showtime last year about a forensic blood specialist at a Miami police department. Sounds like another CSI copy or something like that, right??? It has a little twist Dexter happens to be a serial killer. In many ways, the classic anti-hero. He is a nice guy and He only kills the bad guys... Guys who are murdering innocent people.

All the previous things made the show interesting, but that is not what really drew me. Dexter hides the inner killer inside him from everyone around him. He lets no one see who he really is. He puts on a facade to hide the darkness in his soul. He is afraid the world will reject him if they know who he really is.

I think that most people in the world want to be loved by someone. I also think that most people in the world hide a darkness in their soul from everyone around them. I know I do. I put such extreme boundaries around certain areas of my life that it has effected the way I relate to people.

When I look back at the past 6-7 years I can see the wall around the darkness in my soul building higher and higher. I even remeber the first day the wall started going up between God, me and other people around me. I was so ashamed of what was in my heart that I did not want anyone to see it. (Regardless of the fact that I knew God would see it) I dissauded myself to the point where I built a wall so high that I figured it was easier to just drop any desire i had for God then to tear down the wall.

Last night it clicked that one of the reasons I harbored no desire to get close to God was because I did not want to let him see behind the wall. Actually, I should rephrase the previous statement. I desired God, but I would no let him inside the wall. I acknowledged parts of the wall to some of my friends. I asked God to help me stop the actions that resulted from the darkness in my heart without inviting him to see behind the wall and to help me beat down the darkness in my soul and turn it into light.

I wrote about simplifying my life in the past couple posts. I think that more then anything else I could do to simplify me life; tearing down the wall around the darkness in my heart and letting God see it and help me with it would simplify my life more then anything else.