It is amazing how little I have written period in the last couple months.
I have not written period in anything, not a journal or a web page.
If I am honest with myself not an awful lot has gone on. It has kind've been life as normal. Or not.
I have been in a very introspective mode of late. It has been almost to introspective though because I have not wanted to think about what kind;ve state I was really in lest I get depressed by it.
I think I finally came out of my funk in the last week or so when I started writing again about my disrespect for authority over the past 5 years or so. I have finally admited to myself that it is something that needs to change in my life. I am trying to figure out what was the root of the disrespect for authority, when it started and why. Was it a gradual thing or did a certian event start it all.
I theorized that alot of my disrespect for authority especially in the navs has stemmed from a bitterness towards the leadership of Glen Eyrie . It has seemed like alot of their actions have stemmed from a lack of caring for people and more caring about the business side of things. But that is what everyone says and I know that most of the leadership here really care about people but they are not neccesarily very good at expressing it.
If I look back to 2001 when alot of it started it really all based on a bittereness towards people and then I lose respect for them and do not want to listen to any authority they have.
This bitterness has really drawn me away from the Lord. As long as I have harbored a deep seated bitterness towards people, I have not really cared about spending anytime with the Lord or seeking after him. I have felt like I should care and seek, but no matter how much I strived to love him and seek after him I couldn't. I think there was a big wall of bitterness built up, preventing my soul from any real communication with God. Even my time at Eagle Lake was marked by just doing what I needed to instead of really showing God's love to kids. I loved the kids but God seemed so far away during the past 5 years that I do not think I even desired to show God to them except out of a sense of duty.
I have loved people but really not loved God for a long time. He would always come last as people in my life would come first. Even when I was seeking after him before all the bitterness welled up inside me; I still put people in my life ahead of God. If it was a choice inbetween spending time with people or with God, people would usually win out.
I think when I was a freshman in college I was involved with so many bible studies and functions with IV more to spend time with people then learn or grow closer to the Lord.
It is going to take a long time to re-focus myself on God. All my habits are driven by a want to be with friends, not to be with God. I know that it sounds hypocritical saying that I will re-focus myself on God but I also know that when I seek after him he embraces that and makes up for the 95% of the way I cannot come by myself.
I think that alot of this train of thought came about because I finally began to feel the absence of God in my life as I had a desire to seek him again. I have felt that desire for a long time but he started to bring it to the forefront of my life in the past couple months. The strong desire to spend time with God had not been present in my life in a long time along with the will to do anything about it.
I have not sought after God for a long time but he has been after me that whole time and I put up my wall of bitterness to shield myself from his gaze it was easier then confessing and getting rid of the bittereness.
