Dexter's Laboratory is one of my favorite cartoons on TV. We don't have cable so I turned to the internet to download a couple episodes to watch in my free time. Little did I know that there are two shows with the name Dexter. Of course I downloaded the non-cartoon show by accident. Out of curiosity I watched it. It was kind've freaky and weird but intriguing.
The second Dexter is a show that aired on Showtime last year about a forensic blood specialist at a Miami police department. Sounds like another CSI copy or something like that, right??? It has a little twist Dexter happens to be a serial killer. In many ways, the classic anti-hero. He is a nice guy and He only kills the bad guys... Guys who are murdering innocent people.
All the previous things made the show interesting, but that is not what really drew me. Dexter hides the inner killer inside him from everyone around him. He lets no one see who he really is. He puts on a facade to hide the darkness in his soul. He is afraid the world will reject him if they know who he really is.
I think that most people in the world want to be loved by someone. I also think that most people in the world hide a darkness in their soul from everyone around them. I know I do. I put such extreme boundaries around certain areas of my life that it has effected the way I relate to people.
When I look back at the past 6-7 years I can see the wall around the darkness in my soul building higher and higher. I even remeber the first day the wall started going up between God, me and other people around me. I was so ashamed of what was in my heart that I did not want anyone to see it. (Regardless of the fact that I knew God would see it) I dissauded myself to the point where I built a wall so high that I figured it was easier to just drop any desire i had for God then to tear down the wall.
Last night it clicked that one of the reasons I harbored no desire to get close to God was because I did not want to let him see behind the wall. Actually, I should rephrase the previous statement. I desired God, but I would no let him inside the wall. I acknowledged parts of the wall to some of my friends. I asked God to help me stop the actions that resulted from the darkness in my heart without inviting him to see behind the wall and to help me beat down the darkness in my soul and turn it into light.
I wrote about simplifying my life in the past couple posts. I think that more then anything else I could do to simplify me life; tearing down the wall around the darkness in my heart and letting God see it and help me with it would simplify my life more then anything else.
Sunday, September 02, 2007
Saturday, September 01, 2007
No Car, No Loft but a simpler life
Last month I was looking at buying a loft up in Victor, Colorado...
The lofts were beautiful, well designed and the views were awe inspiring, but I went up to aunt and uncles house after I looked at the lofts. As i was sitting around watching TV that night i realized that the lofts went against a couple of the goals i have for my life.
The first goal was to simplify my life. Not to take away any of the fun I have or cool experiences , but to take things out of my life that I have just because I am supposed to have them... For instance a car to get to work in the winter or a yard that has actual grass in it.
The second goal was to get rid of my car and all the extra bikes I had. I drove my car a total of about 20 miles in August. I am still working on the bikes. I gave my bike rack away to clint, a friend who just moved to New Mexico. I am going to sell a couple frames and parts of bike racks on craig's list also.
I realized that 95% of the time, The Traveler and single speed mountain bike are all I need.
I really need a car about 3 days a month at the most and I can rent a car for those days.
The third goal was to use my bikes for everything except for a couple trips to work and when I travel out of town. I think that that goal is also totally possible.
To bring all this to a point... Buying the loft in victor, no matter how cool, goes against all that.
It is not that I am some crazy environmentalist or anything, but if I do not need to drive a car 60 miles each way and I can help out little by riding my bike to work why not. I guess now that I am selling my car I will see how the experiment works.
The lofts were beautiful, well designed and the views were awe inspiring, but I went up to aunt and uncles house after I looked at the lofts. As i was sitting around watching TV that night i realized that the lofts went against a couple of the goals i have for my life.
The first goal was to simplify my life. Not to take away any of the fun I have or cool experiences , but to take things out of my life that I have just because I am supposed to have them... For instance a car to get to work in the winter or a yard that has actual grass in it.
The second goal was to get rid of my car and all the extra bikes I had. I drove my car a total of about 20 miles in August. I am still working on the bikes. I gave my bike rack away to clint, a friend who just moved to New Mexico. I am going to sell a couple frames and parts of bike racks on craig's list also.
I realized that 95% of the time, The Traveler and single speed mountain bike are all I need.
I really need a car about 3 days a month at the most and I can rent a car for those days.
The third goal was to use my bikes for everything except for a couple trips to work and when I travel out of town. I think that that goal is also totally possible.
To bring all this to a point... Buying the loft in victor, no matter how cool, goes against all that.
It is not that I am some crazy environmentalist or anything, but if I do not need to drive a car 60 miles each way and I can help out little by riding my bike to work why not. I guess now that I am selling my car I will see how the experiment works.
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